POWDER- ROOM

i'm unmasked in- here;

a place that nobody can reach.

there ain't no tunnel to a gateway of light,

no sound, no yell, no screech.

there ain't no graveyards barren,

with yawning graves of the dead.

i'm unmasked in- here;

just a powder-room in my head.

there ain't no feeling in- here.

its a coarse emptiness that deafens.

there are no tears, no sadness,

no laughter or joy or even a din.

there ain't no morrow after a night.

no new thorns upon my bed.

there ain't no feeling in here;

just a powder- room in my head.

i'm naked and shriveled.

weathered by the winds of time.

i'm broken and a sinner.

i'm petty, with nothing of mine.

there ain't no new facades for me.

some deserted thoughts, instead.

there ain't no element, ain't no fire.

just a powder- room in my head...

JOKER

"yes, I'm ready."

its no use, they won't see.

I've painted over my pain again..

today it's worse than yesterday

and tomorrow won't be good either.

but, they won't see..and why should they?!

I'm a Joker.

just another juggler.

another comic gimmick.

a break from their own pains-

their little worlds of misery.

I fall, they laugh.

I run, they hoot.

I juggle, they expect-

another mistake,

another failure,

a chance to disagree

that, right now,

I am their personal God!

how can I show them

that I'm just as frail?

I'm just as frightened.

I'm just another person

running away from my own demons..

I cannot let them see

that I'm just as broken.

I cannot let any identification seep in...

for,

I am the JOKER...

Rotten Apples

i wish i were out of the doors,

half savage and hardy and free;

laughing at the injuries,

not maddening under them.

scared of the demons without,

and never find them hovering within.

never feeling like a shadow

even when i was halfway home...

i wish i were a girl again

and not this wanton woman of the world...

i wish chocolates were all;

and there was no room for

cigarettes or weed or rum.

wish that nights were for sleeping

and not catering to some twisted thoughts

spinning around in this wasted head.

wish that Alice was in Wonderland...

and not in some Mills 'n' Boons...

wish that the heart could stop finding

new and gory reasons for breaking apart...

why does my blood rush into tumults

at a few spoken, unspoken words?

why do i run 'round the globe

finding places to find some peace?

why am i so changed?

why am i not that girl anymore,

who loved the sun and colors?

why do dark and pain appeal?

WHY this wanton woman of the world?

invisible tangents

i close my eyes to sleep

and i wake up in you...

who are you, i cannot know

yet you seem the one

who comprehends in himself

my feelings to myself...

like an existence of mine

beyond myself.

everyone on the face of earth

might melt into nothing

before i could consent

to forsake him...

if all else perished and HE remained,

i can still continue to be;

and if all else remained, and he annihilates,

the universe would turn to a stranger;

i cannot be a part of it..

in time, i may find ways to cope up

with his absence and this void.

mayhap i might love another

but my love for any other

would be like the foliage in the woods:

time would have the power to change it,

as winter changes the trees.

my love for him resembles the eternal rocks:

a source of little delight, but necessary.

he's always, always on my mind,

not as a pleasure of a rose,

but as my whole being.

now he's gone and i'm haunted

there's no moon, no stars in sky

and everything around lay in misty darkness:

not a light gleams from anywhere...

abandamned!

today is exactly the day

i don't want to live;

to be able to close my eyes

and dream the silhouettes.

to dream you, my angel of devastation,

perched upon your shrewd ways.

your sensuous aroma

still fills my lungs.

it scratches on the insides of them

and leaves them limp.

your aura of darkness,

so widespread and pulling.

it sucks me in the void-

the void that is You!

your deep eyes smolder me

i search endlessly in them-

the reason for all hopes

that you give me so casually.

your parted lips, inviting.

your glistening canines in them.

you purr your voice, enchanting.

and enchanted, i do come.

i come to the surface.

unable to die;

in your peaceful, eternal arms.

unable to scream;

even when i'm buckled under.

the surface is a labyrinth.

a maze that i'm lost in.

a maze full of your abandoned possessions...

just like ME...

loose ends

And I see that

i'm reduced to be the one of only Silent Poems;

Who made me what I am?

Is it me? or You through me?

And I can't even blame You,

For I know that You did it, only so long

till You were aware of

what I'll b reduced to,

what I'm today.

The only victory I had, have

and will continue to have is

losing to this forsaken Love.

is it even worth to be thoughtless in thinking of you?

the possibilities exceed infinity.

i became an instrument of your rhythm

and you, the chalice of my forlorn harmony.

yet i sit on this merciless night

begging your eyes to take in

the sheen of my lonely lustre

begging your treacherous desires

to reckon my cancerous lust.

yet, i know the futileness of my attempts...

the moon wouldn't know

what hides in the heart of an ocean...

yet the harbinger touches me

and i elope with your chants

into the abyss of nihilism.....

THE PANTOMIME

in the hour of endless darkness,

he emerged from the haze.

with that ivory face of the moon

and his eyes ablaze...

paranoia made-up for his shoes,

in the schizophrenic cloak,

he made his ambivalent moves.

there was silence, loud...

loud and deafening.

he began to act.

he began demeaning.

scathed and battered,

the demons hovering.

the pantomime's scared!

but the fear would be redeeming.

he craved for his heart

and let it bleed in his hands.

the burial would be gory.

this much he could stand.

on his grave, he wailed...

he wailed like a lark.

tears stung my eyes

but the pantomime laughed!

from music to utter agony,

his act went on.

from churches to graveyards

and berated echelons.

he came to a standstill,

the time evaporated.

in the sure abyss of hypnotism,

i stood helplessly sedated.

his touch bore into me.

his gaze burnt my skin.

words overflowed from his eyes...

yes, the phantom would sin.

my cringe- instinctual.

his hold only tight.

'No!', he begged with his desires.

'No, you shouldn't fight'.

suspended in nothingness,

he sure walked like a gazelle.

crimson lips so undaunted,

weaving an impenetrable spell.

with the cold breath of a dead,

the words formed a mist

he only lowered into my ear

and the pantomime hissed...

in the only words he spoke, he told,

"your secrets aren't unknown".

in the breathless next moment,

he was perched on a tree.

the tangents returned to life

but the soul was no more free...

...from NO rehab...

the words shatter to meaninglessness.

the meanings cease to horizons.

its just your voice wafting idly

the symptoms of my chronic addiction.

shouldn't have let you conquer me completely

yet, could i have had said "No"?

it feels so good enough...

the grounds are tangents no more.

such sinister partners to your charms.

its just this harbinger of some feelings

pouring out your countenance to life.

shouldn't have let you talk to me so sweetly

its a grotesque divulgence.

yet it feels good enough...

and i completely lost myself

is it only fair to be at your mercy?

but i can't want it no other way.
you are the cancer that ate me up...

why does it still feels good enough?

she wants to fly

don't clip her wings;

she'd die...

let her soar the sky

don't hold her down;

she'd die...

your ways aren't worth.

your patience eludes her.

your morals of "right" and "wrong"-

they suffocate.

they derogate.

she wants to realize;

let her fly.

she wants to go away.

don't tie her;

she'd die...

of Venus and Mars

lady: the sinister urges of mine wait for,

in all their grotesque countenance,

the harbinger of thy touch.

man: the yearning burns as a flame

salvaging the bodice of all morals;

a procession readies for a defeat.

lady: the procession shall commence

whence forth the melody of contented cries

would eat the forbidden fruits.

man: garish fantasies dance in sensuality,

a graveyard of my sober etiquettes;

dilemmas steal the grim reckoning.

lady: the graveyard of thy sanity woulds't mock

the last shreds of chastity; graves would yawn

to turn thy coffin into oceans of tainted lust.

man: the limbs twitch for thy beauty

the nimble sighs woulds't prove gory

thou hath always had that power.

lady: consumed in desire, the viper of thy tongue

rapes the last of my luster and thee laugh?!

and thy forsaken deeds dare condemn my wants!

man: ironical, m'lady, how dost thou twirl!

thee entice, thee seduce, thou commands't my dreams

yet thee overlaps thy charms in furs!

lady: inside me, the void compels its prey to plunge

deeper, as the wanton eyes take-in the sheen

of thy sinful pleasure; let the curtains dissolve.

man: let the mist cloud thy rest!

...for the sake of...

i'm writing for the sake of it.

the "poet" in me feels guilty.

but the verses rise and fall

before i can shape them.

they shy away from these papers.

they shy away from me..

the words aren't friends anymore.

only the void seems to be my mate.

i'm writing 'coz i want to.

but the river's not flowing anymore.

its waters are trapped

in an unseen, unknown dam.

then, suddenly, they'll flood!

what binds then, is hidden.

what can set them free,

i know not of.

is this a poem?

i feel not.

is this a verse?

it seems not.

its just a helpless wailing

over failed attempts.

just an inexplicable disgust

over broken thoughts.

i write for the sake of these...

i write,

for i can't stop...

Unholy...

i won't be the whim

i won't be the fantasy

i won't be real.

just another tragedy.

goblets overflow in wait.

the acid devours all tangents;

burning in emancipator bliss.

voices muffled by the pain.

the gurgles of crimson boil over

hissing in their triumph.

the visions bleaks and fades.

the shrieks just in mind.

the roddents scamper all around

finding, just to find.

the blindness overpowers all senses.

the euphoria so unprecedented.

suspension in nothing entrances.

enchanted being held captive.

blazing flames engulf all.

piercing the ruins of decay.

the flesh withers to vanish.

bones succumb and annihilate.

eating pieces of the self,

the matter stinks of woe.

alone in plain withdrawal,

creeping to the rising foe.

strangers, shrouded, come for me;

the unholy crest of mass...

The Magus

he stands atop the hill,

the Magus.

radiance coloring his head!

he calls reverence to the deities

and respect to the dead.

he announces the power

in thunder.

his subtle offering of blood

to his Goddess of choice-

a potency of esoteric flood.

he mimics some voices

of animals.

hands raised to grab the sky

he shines blue in the dark

in stillness of the one to die!

the invisible becomes tangent.

so magnetic!

the walls of sheer words

rise to show the fields

of dreamy grasses and herds.

he opens his eyes and sees.

he smiles.

the circle emanates blue.

the ritual- an illusion.

the illusion- the hue.

in all his undisguised power,

in all magnificence,

he glows so very beautifully!

and i obey him dutifully.

i, too, am glowing with him.

Ah, the splendor!

i match the shade he adorns.

like his beaming shadow.

his blue rose among all thorns!

the circle changes to morning light.

the daybreak.

orange flows in with purple haze.

the birds start their waking chirps.

he smiles at my obvious daze!

he sends the circle to atonement

as it dissolves in his embrace...

Why Hate?

i abhorred once

what i am now.

i couldn't stop then.

now, i don't want to.

your blood is so potent-

it takes over my will.

it drives my senses.

a pull so strong-

i cannot resist.

i still see

your screaming face.

and i wished i could stop.

Oh! i wish i COULD...

but you were a magnet-

a BLEEDING magnet.

why am i Forsaken?

no hope...

not even a delusion.

i still cannot like myself.

but why hate?

WHY HATE??

Goth...

roaring from the depth of your constraints,

alive in every word you deny,

possibilities seeming weak to escape me,

for i live where you reside;

down in the dungeons of your disguise.

loafing around for the last shreds.

your sanity isn't worth to let me off.

can't you bloody understand!?

i am NOT where your demons lie.

i am NOT your God of Darkness.

i am NOT the ugly cemeteries of happiness.

i AM just another voice that rings true...

i have lived all my life

in the closets of your fears.

i have been abandoned

in puddles of your tears.

you haven't the time to grasp me.

you haven't the time to take me the way i am.

you haven't the time to stand yourself

no wonder i cannot be tolerated...

i pity you for the junkyards in your minds.

i chortle for your little balls in the guts.

i'm envious, though, for your outrage-

it shall be mine, for all you care!

you devise all excuses to exclude me.

you make little plots to rant your suspicions

no funny thing than that.

i am NOT your last breath of mortality...

i AM just your ultimate wannabe desire!

The Answer

why do i think;

why you're so far?

why are you so distant?

no! i shouldn't!

i've tried to hate you

still i failed to see through.

oh, love!

why am i so lame?

let me be.

i should let you be.

before i'm far too gone.

before nothing can be done.

i've tried to tell myself

it would be so better

to keep going our separate ways

for all you care, you're off.

so hold off.

you should hold off.

it's the one thing i've known.

i see you everyday

its so wrong in every way.

i stand far off trying to tell you

don't hear me, though, please

'cause i'm in love.

i'm in love.

boy, act deaf!

go on acting deaf

before you're too far gone

and nothing can be done.

'cause without me you got it all.

so hold off.

without me you got it all.

so be gone.

without me you'd be better.

without me you couldn't deter.

so hold on.

'cause with you, i've got no fight.

and i know this ain't right.

i'll have to be gone...

Needful Deeds

solemn sighs, unheard.

incredulously, the words unfold.

the tousled feeling of your voice.

harebrained, i scuttle in your hold.

the night wraps us in its silken arms.

can the curtains now be shed?

can the steps now be taken?

can the words now be said?

can we be done

before i come undone?

sparkling eyes, kindled.

softly, the lips part.

a little more of the warmth.

flushed, the senses depart.

the passion calls to its sinful charms.

shall we pay some heed?

shall we cease to hesitate?

shall we claim what we need?

shall we?

claim me...

IN-Complete

how that crroked smile

burns through every bone of mine!

smoldering till their shallow depths.

i can't breathe.

rather, i forget to!

the crippling sensation that accompanies

your every breath,

your every move,

your every stance.

its like honey-

served on the most appealing platter.

i want to grimace.

grimace at the impact you have.

grimace at your undaunted perfection.

grimace at my helplessness...

but i AM helpless...

helpless, even to grimace!

you don't leave me alone.

why doesn't that bother me?

i'd rather be dumb

than to stop thinking of you.

now, why doesn't THAT surprise!?!

i'm obsessed!

over- possessed!

you're seeded in me-

like a pebble in a riverbed.

you're interwoven-

like serpents entwined together.

you're the flow-

like the crimson running in me.

you're the substance.

and me- your particle.

you're the harmony

and me- your chords...

at your mercy.

on your behest.

you're the rehab

and my only addiction!!!