the saddest evening

they call me the "big eyed girl with a disarming smile".
yet, inspite of them all, i sit here on this deserted while.
crying like a baby inside, but no tears show themselves
wasn't it better if we don't have to be true to ourselves!?
"beautiful" my verses seem to them, true that pain sells
but its me who's victimised by it, broke loose all hells!
this "ella" of somebody ain't the flambuoyant virago anymore.
she, the one i used to be, is lost behind the public poster, unsure!!
who would "love" this hopeless depresso, if love is still unceased
necessity of time devours the profound thoughts, scattered diseased!
overlooking my own vices, i curse the virtues others say i have.
i seem mature to them, just the one i love, calls me naive!!

"others"! my life seems to be stuck on them and just them
my parameters of everything, and even my own self starts from "them".
was my life ever the way i wanted it to be? all playacting!
and soon i was sure to grow tired... now i'm breathless, panting!
lies... not of anybody, but of my own to myself!!
they all are there... yet i wouldn't call for help!!
i think i have an incurable sickness i can't get rid of.
just when i wanted to smile... there are happenings making me scoff!
so vengeful i have become, and they call it "attitude"!
they think its all in good humor whenever i'm seriously rude!

what's the point in being laid to the catalogues of disgust?!
i run away from the very remedies which are a must!!
a runaway from the very remedies which are a must!!
a runaway from my own insights of pluralism and fake...
was i ever real? roles came my way... in numbers i couldn't take!
too much of it already unsaid, stuffed up in the attics of my mind
so far have i crawled and come along, i can't see the things i left behind!

but this isn't the saddest evening for all these causes...
its the saddest because i sit here to contemplate all clauses...
i don't wanna be the one i am already, the grass is always greener on the other side!
but what do i wanna be? even that's something i cannot decide.
there was no dearth of anything ever... and won't be till i'm over
i have ample time in the world to pursue what i want and even be a lover!!
i guess that's the basic flaw, the serious flaw of my life
i can be happy as i have it all... yet i seduce my strife!!

yes, its indeed sad... the saddest it could ever be!
i know a thousand masks, but not the real face of me...
every put-up, ready made cut-out for every occasion i have.
i know just what to say and how not to behave!
they... again "they"... know i'm game for it all, they do revere
i slip into narcissism because that's my only defence and my cover!!
maybe, yes, i AM a nerd because i think i can never match my image...
so, its better for my own immune to put up a show and be game!!

there's an emptiness i cannot subside and no-one bores deep in me
nobody bothers themselves... so even i keep it aside, let it be!!
why do we humans always keep needing somebody for always?
why do we love, see our hearts broken and live in disgrace!?
sometimes its all rosy for us... the next moment we're screwed up.
our achievements, our successes...why is this all important stuff?
who am i? i ain't bothered by your questions right now...
because tonight, this saddest evening, is asking me to find answers anyhow.
i can't find even one answer to the questions i ask in vain...
i cannot, somehow,leave behind these masks, causes of my pain...
no answers await me, no words come to the memories of my beginnigs.
no rescue, no solace can i find in this saddest evening...