Es0teRiC puLsaTi0Ns...

the walls crumble...
the shadows mix...
the dance of the embrace...
they burn, fueled by their passions!
the fire burns with an uncanny chill.
the bodies shiver like a snake on snow.
their reasons prompt inhibition,
but the instincts rush the flow.
their sweat feel the heat,
their heads rush to melt the snow,
the ice breaks, there are no bounds,
the fire burns in the chill of the snow.
it had to melt,
for the senses needed to meet.
she had to jump and scream...
fore-played the snow!!
and how he moans...
when the heights are reached...
nothing was so hot before...
clasped and jawed,
the woodpecker pecks,
she smiles like a beast!
and he winks as if
the Devil may hide his stance
here beaded in sweat of passion,
intimacy has learnt a new rhythm of dance!!
intertwined like the serpents know them,
heat, like the friction growing on them,
she,
like a hungry lion,
pounces.
on an inviting meal
of stinging virility she couldn't resist.
flesh,
the clock strikes.
fleshes,
the clock smashes!
the time ceases.
the snow subsides,
behind the smeared veils,
sanity disguised!
emanating the sinister satisfaction,
their pulses still throb.
for the turbulence of his want,
she reciprocates a silent sob...
the walls are rising.
the reasons come back again.
the night becomes a memory,
making them cringe,
wanting the shadows again!!

==Questionaire==

the heavens are empty;
or if they are not,
the entity that inhabits them,
is thoroughly uninterested
in what's going on
in the world below.
How else to explain the fact
that a person could bear
such deterioration?
A life full of dignity
could be brought so low?
What hypocrites, those people
who talk about our
Heavenly Father!!
What father would ever
want such a fate
for his children?
"Let me die!" he screams
into the winds, raising his voice
so that his words be carried
high and far.
"Carry me off. Destroy me.
Pulverize me.
If You exist, Let me die!
Kill me, Purify me,
Ravish me.
Carry me far away,
away from here.
Rip me out of my life."
In his heart,
he ceaselessly repeats these words.
What is the significance
of all human life?
Why do people always repeat
the same gestures?
Out of habit?
Out of boredom?
Out of an inability
to imagine anything different?
Or
To question themselves?
Perhaps out of fear,
because its easier
to follow a trail
That's already marked.
What life has meaning?
And,
What's the meaning of life?
Inspite of cringing day and night,
no-one wants to leave from here.
It seems paradoxical:
I don't ask to come here.
But once i am here,
I don't want to leave.
Am i the one who chooses?
Or am I chosen?
Is there an above and a below?
Or just an absolute
Pneumatic World?
Alone I wander
through the chambers and spirals,
and sometimes i seem to be
lost in a labyrinth.
Maybe by searching more,
I'd be able to find
a new way of
anchoring myself.
This wind seems to have a voice too;
It carries our sighs.
Sound of our steps.
The things that
we never say when we should.
Everything gets closed up inside,
as though in a time bomb.
The only wisdom
is to be aware that
there's something uncontrolled
and at any moment,
it could explode.
Why does the desire
to explore the past
comes only when
life changes for some
terrible reason?
When he sits down
in the attics of his past,
all he finds repressed are,
unspoken words,
deeds never done,
and people never met;
a tiny impact is all
that's needed to liberate
the ghosts.
He seems like a person
suffering from vertigo
and forced to walk
along the edge of a cliff;
The precipice was a choice:
Life -or- Death.
Can't a human change the path
he's on, again and again?
And isn't it this
bottomless chasm ofpotential
that dismays us,
that suggests the impotence
of our vision?

the little "love"...

the word "love"
often occurs through my lips
but have i ever asked myself
what's hiding behind that word,
so often used and abused?
love, the nourishment
of all my fantasies,
is nothing but a subtle poison.
capable of destroying any life
with its invisible emanations.
two souls offer each other,
reciprocally,
the best part of themselves
the one, each of them knows,
the other won't be able to resist!
but, can the complexity
of one heart truly know
the complexity of another?
then how is the "real love" possible?
it is airy and stimulating,
like a gas chamber.
i feel as if all those broken pieces
i'm carrying around inside--
he can help me put all that
back together.
he alone has the patience
to make sense of
every fragment
and return it
to its proper place.
he knows how to see things
others don't see.
he knows how to untangle
those confused strands
and weave one single thread.
but there's no horizon.
its like one dead end.
when your heart breaks,
what sound does it make?
like a fire in the rain?
the more attachments we have,
the more we live in panic;
things get lost or break.
people die or leave us.
and we are left desperate.
love can only be a shadow.
the shadow of partiality.
a tendency towards
Self-Destruction....

Diabolical Symphony

i opened my eyes,
that linear, responsible life
was no longer mine,
n neither was d
world of good sense.
i need pain
in order to feel alive.
it has to run
through my veins
i know its acid.
poisonous.
a toxic cloud.
i know it would
corrupt my insides
and everything
i come into contact with
but i cannot give it up.
kindness n rationality
don't have as much energy.
they r limp,
monotonous emotions
without any real directions.
what is the use
of being good?
inert victims of
a more powerful will?
what exactly is goodness?
an indiscreet sequence of
innocent actions,
d treacle that had to be
waded through in order to
attain some form of recompense.
i move about as if
i am an ambulatory volcanic cone.
there is direct contact
b/w my heart n
d molten core.
d incandescent magma
heaves inside me,
rising and falling
in an irregular rhythm
n sometimes
spilling over.
is this what i am
rebelling against?
against my own pretension
of understanding things?
y, instead of
feeling emotions in depth,
do i perceive their falsity?
there were only
the two of us,
u n me,
n we were
-or thought we were-
self- sufficient:
no disagreements,
no indiscreet questions,
n d days slipping by
like a fogbound train.
everything was muffled,
deprived of any real depth.
it was there, in the
darkness n silence,
that i commemorated
d awful tragedy
of losing u...
things fell,
but instead of breaking apart,
they were swallowed up
by a silent void, in which
the only movements were
made by ghosts;
ghosts of our words,
ghosts of our whisperings,
ghosts of all those promises
we just made n didn't remember.
every wave carries off
a detail n bores it
out into d open sea,
into d ocean,
to a place from which
it is impossible to return.
n there on d seashore i am,
roaming about like a ghost
in d midst of this
Diabolical Symphony......

the night

d darkness of deep night
d unquiet quiet of too much:
of having seen too much,
suffered too much,
known too much.
d quiet not of sleep,
but of a brief death:
when pain is too great
n u can't do away.
when u have to die a little
in order to be able to go on...

this fall had dragged
many things down to ruin:
my sleep,
my happiness,
my ostensibly carefree spirit.
time gets divided
into before and after
light becomes different
shrouded in intermittent darkness.
daytime darkness,
night- time darkness,
spring- time darkness.
n, out of the darkness,
a certainty:
grief is the swamp
i am condemned to
wander through.
the tiniest things
are the greatest mystery of all.
protected by invisibility,
a tyranny befalls.
a secret world explodes
the thoughts lie dozing
in what's limited,
in what's circumscribed.
when i may understand all this,
i may understand that
small things have to be taken care of

i spend every night
lying immobile on the floor
of my room
staring at an obtuse,
cement sky, incapable of
providing any clarification.
after the attack,
i'm feeling emptied out.
v r living in two
different worlds.
good sense prevails in urs
while mine is a universe
of threats and darkness
occasionally pierced by lightening.
the relation b/w us
is unambiguous.
i can feel u,
but u do not perceive me.
everyone's horizon is different
all that remains of desires,
is a sad rut in the ground.
u r not ballast,
not an alleyway.
ur more like my mirror,
capable of giving back a reflection
n introducing
me to myself... a part
i didn't know yet.

my room is invaded
by the cold light of full moon.
the creepers throw their
sinister shadows on me.
y must there be a
shadow in darkness?
what is the point of it,
if not to evoke the
existence of everything
that can't be seized n held?
ur that shadow
in my life.
i see u forming
in my core
n the more i try to
belong to u,
the more u
go away...

i'd inadvertently
brushed against the fire,
n it followed me
everywhere, wherever i was,
love was in my heart,
n pain,
n d desire to escape the flames,
which were always
burning behind me,
always bigger
n more destructive.

aggressive termites
scurry around inside my skull.
they turn off the lights
n everything
slips into darkness.
n then out of darkness,
n into calm, at last,
calm regained.
weeks of tranquility.
it was comforting
to sleep,
n get up
without the fear
of exploding.
but, like all
beautiful things,
it would not last....

Sacrificed!!

--premise--
u live, still live in ur past
n there's nothin beyond this present for me
baby, what place does future holds
if we cannot let go of the memories!?!
strange, though it may seem,
there are emotions doubted and unseen
strangers, yes, we have become!
n the blame won't leave us clean!

that one deadly race,
kills my feelings on the face
n i cannot anchor my mind on harbours,
yet, its u who wakes up in disgrace!!
never mine, yes, i don't have no right
still, y do i get so jealous of that fight?
up in pride or low on esteem...
its me totally blurred from sight!

sacrificed, though not really,
sacrificed u for ur past
there'd be no-one like her for u
a darker shadow casting fast!
lost in mid-way, unsure again
wasn't it better if u'd not lied
u hate it though, then y did u say,
"I love you"...
when "love" is what u sacrificed!?!

starting of feeling a nobody...
no place of importance held in ur life
'coz it was all given to somebody afore
then y to paint ur genuine strife?
if u couldn't make me a part of u,
i still hadn't closed any doors, u know,
u could have come forlorn n i'd have embraced u
just d way it till recently showed!

another attempt laid to waste
another gesture taking u back to her
another moment stolen from my affection
another attempt of urs to find her!

is that how life should go on?
is that how feelings should be?
unsure and confused, lost in the distance,
is there nothin in store for me?

who the hell said u could give only when u get?
whom did u just listen to?
i cannot stand filling up for somebody i don't even know!
i cannot even, now, stand to be away from u...

sacrificed! all my reasons to have been sane
sacrificed! couldn't u see, i didn't demand
did i have any right ever? rather i ask am i entitled to any?
am i so unimportant? shall i always try n fake to understand?
anyday, anywhere, any damn moment,
i, bloody, believed ur not obliged to b nice...
u took a step further and faked genuinity
n here, washed top to bottom, i stand Sacrificed!

sometimes, silence is the best conversation
but ur silence is always a closed door
y did u have to paint me special?
u were enough...i can't remember myself asking for more...
its always a long turmoil...u could have left it one-sided
there was an emptiness in me
but i never knew it asked for ur sympathy
u could have left my issues to me...

tears flow from these fazed eyes
as i write these immaterial tangents for no-one
i cannot even let u know, anymore, what u should know
i cannot give myself to any other now, even for once!
ur sorrow shows, and it shows to kill my one hypothetical bliss
u cannot get over with her..i know! then y those b'ful lies?
stranded, abandoned n soon i'd b forgotten in the ashes of time
i know u'd go, never to come back...leaving me behind, sacrificed!

its always an endless story of unsolved issues
belonging to u, there's not even nowhere to go!
maybe these pains i deserve, maybe i sure do
but, baby, just as u made me love u, teach me to forgo...
its obvious to stop and ponder
ponder over things unsaid and all the agonizing lies!
but i guess that's not even for me to do,
'coz after all, it was always Your sacrifice!!

==Clause==
a new day of uptown emotions
it was better if i'd never read ur verses
blinded by emotions u claim to have left behind
those thoughts, penning down ur cuses
was the curse supposed to follow her or me?
away from her, even for a moment, are u?
u were always lost in her and never in me!!

who the hell am i to even ponder,
over ur stands and situations, by the way!?!
but, i'm not posting them over u,
i'm just being plain, if at all i can say!!
looking up in the skies, did u ever think?
there's some psycho holding onto ur lies
ur lost in the remenants of her deciet
but, darling, y do I feel so sacrificed!?!

b'ful lies said and never meant!
that one chaste kiss deepening my love...
but oops! when u don't bother, then how would u know!?!
how bad it seems to be left with the bluff!!
tired words of neverending questions,
tired of even being with my pain and sorrow...
frail vessesls of unsustained emotions
of a wasted today and unwelcoming tomorrow!!

always happens once in a while to all
i guess everybody, for someone, has to fall
my blood rushes into the dumps of my wasteage
dejected, demeaned, now forced to crawl.
but how does it matter anyays!?!
u never gave a damn to how i feel for u
just liking the sounds of new successes of ur games
never even thought to come out open and true!!

baby, y things go downhill?
thwarted first attempt...do u think i'll survive?
u should have let it remain one-sided, i could have handled MY problems...
darling, y u made "US"?? y is this the reason for "Sacrificed"!?!

the leftovers

all thru dis wasted existence
i've been like a drawing-room cushion
u can come n use me, then leave me too
i do not have my own emotions, i'm not supposed to!!
serene, the life goes before this mute witness
as i'm left by the very people who're my harness!
this is the way it should be!?
"fake" i am when i say "don't do this to me"!
probably my voice does fall on deaf ears
please, o vengeance, take me away from here!
i'm just their medium of sympathy n relief...
wow!! now this is what i call SHIT!!
as i again sit here to destruct my leftover bits
the rays of sun have taken the horizons far
nobody cares to stay, and who would? my door's ajar!!
their judgments befall on me in extreme silences
and if i interpret, the blame paves way for distances!!
down to be abandoned again, no more desired
was i ever? now to ooze out, even this blood is tired!!
fine, who am i to have a right? a bloody nobody!
people have all the rights to b good and then turn shoddy
contagious, as it is, feelings were... till sometime back,
now they're burdensome, a heavy useless sack.
there's nothing real, even dat Lo'V'e has ceased...
instead there are just inhabitants, full of deceit!!

i can love you

i can love u
only if u think
i'm a stale meat
n ur my stink...

i can love u
only on my whim
when u'd let me
caress u, thinkin of him!!

i can love u
only if u let me be
sit by me while i fag
n dare not probe me...

i can love u
only if someday i'd care
testing if u'd still hold-on
even after i'd dump u somewhere!

i can love u
only if i can come n go
letting u b while ur happy
n oblige when u feel low.

i can love u
only if i can, anymore!
u know how things were
when i felt like a whore!!

i can love u
only if i'd wish
whatever, if, i'd want
u'll serve on a dish.

i can love u
only if i'd feel again
only if i would start
distancing from my pain

i can love u
only if i stop being masochistic
only if, just like me, to u
beatification would b holistic!!

i can love u
if before the "goodnight"
u'll curse me profoundly
for ignoring u, alright!?!

i can love u
huh! maybe i will b
the Venus disguised
n u'll never ask for me.

i can love u, OK??
only if u'd cease
only if u'd shed blood
only if i'd b pleased!!!

do u??....would u???

do u hear me wen i cry?
do u see me wen i try?
do u know how hard it is
to learn to live like this
wen ur unsure of even the "Goodbye"!?!

do u feel i pine for u?
do u know it is all true?
i've been waiting endlessly
thinking, for once u would see
how i ache... how much i love u!!

is it so irritating that u can't care?!?
i'm just asking, not lashing in despair...
thinking i might somewhere make a difference
y r u so blind to my reverence!?!
i'm so scared of myself, and d fears go deep
i just hope u'd recognise before away i'd creep...
these dungeons resonate with voices from all around.
amidst them, its my voice that drowns...
sometimes i feel i would be better off somewhere else
but i can't even get close to being someone, can't let no-one delve.

do u care if i'm there or not?
would u tell me, precise and short?
am i an useless obligation? then get rid of me!!
but just tell me once, i'd sure let u be...
y r u like my cure and my clot??

there are questions abundant, but i can't ask.
its like, now, even before u, i put-on a mask!!
never thought a time would come like such
when we'd be still quiet after a silent hunch...
and to bear it all is a real tedious task.

so much i've been saying to u of late
r these words effective or they trigger hate?
sorry, 'coz i thought u'd listen, so i thought aloud in haste!
bickering, here i go again, its what i'm good at...
do u think i'm begging u for sympathy!?! too bad!!
i thought, coz we were friends once, i can tell u y i'm sad.
r we not friends? oh! no more!?!?
i should have guessed it all before...
but, baby, u've compelled me to be unsure!!

would u believe me if i'd say
its u i wanna hold all the way?
would u turn ur back on me and sleep?
even when u know that i am weak!?!
r u really going? kay...have a nice day...

am i such a see-through pipe?
molten, smothered deep inside
does this reason suffice u,
to know that things have really turned blue?
can u try to love me once before i'd die!?!

Plague....

echoing laughter of the world in these caves
i shut my ears to the humiliation it gave
still it didn't stop, the sound still reached me
hurt me, mock me, so bluntly weakens me.
"u said it was love!?!" they say and then laugh
there's no-one, not even u to defend me on my behalf.
why?? oh! why? please tell me why shall i face it alone?
u said it wasn't "u" or "me", but "us"...yet only i am forlorn...
it IS wicked, the little game u played so easily
i was hesitant, u gave a push, a trick played stealthily!
much ado about nothing, u may say, and u can!
but here i am, collecting the memories in a dust-pan
someday u were my "are", but now, u "were"
oh, baby! even i'm so unsure, lost in a blur!!
this gap, this silence kills me, there's no trace of u...
u don't even bother..watever u said, was it really true?
yes, it hurts, it must agitate--my doubts and my questions
but r u even being fair to me? can't grant any suggestions!

its all lost amidst blinding neon lights, i need to freak out
i've been dying wanting u, yet u don't care wat its about!?!
yes, maybe i'm Nothing, but, bloody, tell me once, please!
i'm tired of playing this game of tension and release...
whenever u want, however u want, i'm here for sure
but wen i want u, u cannot oblige no more!!
contempt is rampant and disgust beckons me for a ride
and i could surrender, but, oh! Its still u i can't subside.
i reckon we shall surrender to the silence and decide,
if we are no more "together" or wen to say "goodbye"!!!

dying.....

Beneath all the lies I've been fed,
I can still feel you there...
Why do you care so much,
Why do you want me here,
When I have nothing left to give...
I've used up all my empathy and turned into a motionless statue,
I am nothing but another bloody face in the crowd.
I've been lost along this road for as long as I can remember,
And I don't think I'll ever be saved.
I'll never be one of the successful people,
I will never be you.
Why do you still love me,
Why am I still here,
Why have you stopped me from my beloved suicide?
I'm so sick of this place,
And I'm so sick of the empathetic words you speak to me.
I do not need your pity,
All I need now is my rusted razorblade.
I will no longer be a burden to you,
I will no longer be a bloody cut you have to take care of.
I will leave you here,
And you will live on a great life,
One that is not a lie.
Why do you care,
Why do you want me here so badly?
I feel so worthless,
So useless,
So dumb for believing someone could care.
I am nothing to you,
I am but another pebble on the side of the road,
Yet you act so differently..
Why do you keep me here!?!
Why won't you just let me die.
Give me my rusted razorblade,
And give me my beloved suicide.
I want to be free.
I want to become nothing.
I want...
To die...
Alone.
Without anyone who cares,
Not that there is.
Please,
Just leave me here to rot,
I am sick of this wasted Empathy,
Give me my f*cking razorblade,
And I will cut these veins one last time,
And you will no longer have this useless burden.
My arms have been scarred from all the lies,
From all the emotionless stares.
I am no longer a virgin to the apathetic world...
I'm so glad I've disappeared from the crowd,
and I no longer matter.
I am but another piece of grass in this dead world...
My arms have been scarred...
My heart, left blood-stained from the pain...
And my soul no longer has the will to live...
The blood falls to the floor and forms in a distorted pool,
As you run into the room and hold me in your arms,
You say a final goodbye.
"My dearest friend,
Look what you've done to yourself...
You had such a future,
And you've just killed it all away..."

"You never knew it,
And I wish that you found out sooner..."

"But I care for you...
I love you...
Why have you done this to me..?"

Tears streaming down the cheeks mixing with the blood on my wrist,
As I say my final goodbye.
"You've lied to me once again...
my only friend..."

ache

the weeks turn into seasons and days precede nights
i lay awake like dumped on my bed, holding my pillow tight
the ceiling above me is like the screen over which i project
my broken dreams, my unrealized fantasies, some more thoughts of my head
i turn sides in my rugs, restlessness driving away my sweet sleep
the tick-tock of the clock, minutes running- by in consequent beeps!
there breaks the dawn, the rays filling the sky seem like a dent!
this yet another dark night is over, but my fears do not end...
but what am i so scared of? there's no reason i can see.
i stand before the mirror, that reflection is the cause...I fear me!!
i glance at the bandaged wrist, the remenant of a failed suicide
wasn't it better if i'd have been undone, it was better to have died!
with fazed mind, i kept sitting in the corner all day long
fagging the killer lights, humming a favourite song
too much to do, yet it seems the end of the road.
chores to do, life to live...even happiness seems like a workload
gargling tears, blabbering unheard words on deaf ears!
the distance b/w intimacy and me is some many light years!!
so much gone by, blurred in the cacophonies of my mind
crumpled debris lay everywhere on the place i left behind!
agonies of loss, visions of self- destruction hamper me no more
maybe i've come to be immune, or maybe i've hardened like never before!
disturbed, i drag my feet again to my bed, beset with unseen thorns
distant voices trouble me, i want silence, there blow car horns!
troubled, agitated, what have i become? nobody sees
i need a cure for this cancerous disease...
i see just one solution, my perverse mind has made it a creed...
i unwind the bandage, renew my wound and let it bleed...